I hate spiders. Not because I am scared of them or anything, but because my house is full of them. We moved from a three-story house, where both mine and Ciarra's room and Niamh's room, were practically spider free. But we moved into a bungalow, where my room (which is also Ciarra's room but I am oldest) and Niamh's room are full of those eight legged freaks.
Ciarra is bad for being scared of spiders, but she wouldn't notice a spider if it was flashing pink and orange. Niamh on the other hand thinks that while she sleeps they will all come from their hiding spaces and maul her. She thinks that the spiders in our house are the SAS division of the spider world. She checks everything. She checks under tables and in her bed and in the garden.
Last night, I was sitting in mum's room reading and she walks to her room. She thinks she had seen a spider, so all hell breaks loose. She wasn't screaming or anything, but she howls down the hall "DAAAAAAAAD!!! COME AND KILL THIS SPIDER!!". Dad can't see it, so she has him lift the table in the hall up to check underneath it. When she sees it, she thinks dad can juggle the table, while reaching underneath to get the spider. When he manages after about five minutes she's not convinced. By this time I am four chapters on and have completely lost what's going on because all I can think is, "If Ciarra wakes up and finds out about this bloody spider, I'll have to sleep in the living room with her." Niamh prances down the hall and turns on the Hoover. I ask you to bare in mind here, this is half twelve, so the middle of the night. She doesn't think it's dead, but she thinks it's in the Hoover. After ten minutes of me and mum telling her that the spider is dead, she agrees, and goes into the bathroom. She is in their for hours, brushing her teeth and doing her hair and generally just messing about. When she comes out the Hoover is sitting idle in the hall. She tells me to move the Hoover because she doesn't like Spider corpses. In shock, I move the Hoover and she goes to say something about my fear: the birds.
I like to think me and Alfred Hitchcock had something in common. We both saw the end of the world coming, but with Birds. I have been banned from watching Birds, because I don't react well to horror films, and the bird thing needs no explanation.
The impending Avian Apocalypse is coming. Good thing is that I have known this for years, so I know just what gear we will need. When the time comes, me and my family will be well prepared. Shout at me if you want, but we were almost there with the Dodo birds, so if we banded together I am sure we could wipe out Pigeons (bobbing head messengers of the devil), Sparrows (those noises are seriously doing something to our heads) Crows (Alfie H could tell you about that). Those owls with the big black eyes can say, because they remind me of a dog. Eagle's too, because they are like people but with wings.
The Pigeons of the world and me don't get along. They are dirty and smelly and are too fat for their scrawny little wings. I blame pigeons for everything. I am sure they have something to do with the petrol prices. They are taking it to funnel into a machine that they will use to move the earth out of it's orbit, killing us all. It the only explanation for the petrol prices. Global warming is their fault because their fat little bodies insulate the world. You can be damn sure they had something to do with Rebecca Black's Friday.
Mum and dad hate when we go out and I see a pigeon, because my first instinct is to run for the hills, or throw myself into a shop. I'll be honest, the latter is the more common. So I suppose, we can blame the Pigeons for my excessive shopping problems. The other day, when we were shopping I made Niamh take the trolley back because I swear there was a pigeon there. She said there wasn't but I picked it up on my radar.I would have had to take it back if it was a spider.
Mum is scared of mice, but we have never had a run-in with them so there isn't much to report. However my cousin has a hamster, and when he was on holiday it stayed in our house. We wanted to get it out, and as far as we could see it would be no problem. So we did. We put it in that green ball thingy that stops it from going under the couch or out the front door and left it. Mum came in and screams to "Put it away!!" Me and Niamh were in trouble. I don't know how, but I know the Pigeons were involved.
So remember next time when you see a pigeon, it's sent from the devil. Just a warning from the self-proclaimed fountain of all knowledge.
Until next time.
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